The telling of my personal journey of sexuality and how I have become an out and proud women part of a community that loves and supports no matter who you love. I give my advice to any girl out there who is struggling to find their own queer identity and to remind them that who you love is such a small part of a greater spirit that makes you who you are!
This is my advice to a girl who is confused about love; how to learn to love who you love.
I was never one to dwell on the idea of sexuality, the idea of holding a label over my head terrifies me, not because of the label itself but of the idea of having to make a part of me the only part of me that people care about. Growing up I never questioned the idea of possibly falling in love with someone of the same sex, the idea was so out of sight that the questioning never seemed to enter my mind.
When I began to develop feelings for my female friends in late high school, I would always mistake feelings for admiration.
I wanted to learn from them, be them, kiss them… Despite the fantasies and jealousy that consumed my mind I never realised that it wasn’t what every girl goes through. I rarely would walk past females and think the same as I would when walking past men. Perusing a female was such a foreign concept that I thought it was never something that I wanted. Boys were hot to me, like super-hot and I enjoyed talking to boys and feeling like a boy wanted me, I could even argue that I have been in love with boys. Boys gave me everything that I needed so perusing the idea of dating a girl was just unnecessary in my mind.
The lesbian or bisexual stereotype was the only gay female characters that I was ever exposed to throughout my pre-teen and teen years and I never identified with a single one of them.
I was such a typical girl and likeminded with all of my straight friends.
University was the first time that I was exposed to girls that were just like me, that were open to the idea of dating a female. I think a lot of self-discovery is catalysed after high school as the constraints of teen judgment and the closeminded nature of your peers suddenly disappears. I was immediately brought into a university environment of acceptance, and quite frankly, no one cared who anyone was kissing or dating or having sex with. It was exciting and it finally gave me that push I needed to open my mind to what was there all along, open to the idea of liking girls.
Through my teen years I would constantly use the line that ‘I think I could have an emotional connection with a girl, but I could never have sex with a girl’ funnily enough this was my thought process prior to having sex with anyone. I believe this feeling came from an inexperienced place and once I actually had sex with a guy, I can’t deny that it felt good, it felt good to be wanted by a male and that feeling to me translated to sexual desire.
I believe that my internal growth began when I finally allowed myself to be with a girl, and to be honest it wasn’t my best experience. I felt somewhat violated and that I was doing something that my heart really wasn’t in, in turn my views of my own sexuality turned south as I failed to account for the fact that girl and girl relationships do not mean you will connect with everyone, and this girl just happened to not be my match.
Despite this mindset, I was more than open to the idea of sexuality.
And thank god I was because I have never been more in love with someone in my entire life. She is a part of me, and she makes me the happiest girl in the world!
I want to let other girls and gays out there know that sexuality is not an identifier, it does not need to be a personality trait, and if it is that’s great. The truth of the worlds is that no matter who you love, it is no one’s concern. If you put out good energies into the universe good energies will come back. That is what I choose to live and love by. My sexuality is such a minor part of a huge list of things that make up who I am and what I believe in. And every part of me small or large makes me greater.
Written by the Amazing, honest and big hearted: